A son asks his father if he can start using the car more often. The father said, "I'll give you 3 weeks to improve your grades, get a haircut, and read your Bible more often."
3 weeks later, the father and son talk again. The son says, "I've done what you asked and I would like to borrow the car now.
The father says, "I've noticed you've been coming to church on time and you've been reading your Bible, but you still haven't cut your hair.
The son replies, "I've been thinking while I've been reading the Bible. All the men in the Bible had long hair, including Jesus."
The father replied, "Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?"

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A girl came off of the golf course complaining that she had been stung by a bee. The golf pro asked her where did it sting you? She said between the first and second holes. And the golf pro replied: well I can tell you right now that your stance is too wide!

Kinky Friedman

Why do men pee standing up?

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains", said God

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A girl came off of the golf course complaining that she had been stung by a bee. The golf pro asked her where did it sting you? She said between the first and second holes. And the golf pro replied: well I can tell you right now that your stance is too wide!

Kinky Friedman

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath...

He came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

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A girl came off of the golf course complaining that she had been stung by a bee. The golf pro asked her where did it sting you? She said between the first and second holes. And the golf pro replied: well I can tell you right now that your stance is too wide!

Kinky Friedman

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

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A girl came off of the golf course complaining that she had been stung by a bee. The golf pro asked her where did it sting you? She said between the first and second holes. And the golf pro replied: well I can tell you right now that your stance is too wide!

Kinky Friedman

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him that he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?"

The man replied, "Long a go, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"

__________________
A girl came off of the golf course complaining that she had been stung by a bee. The golf pro asked her where did it sting you? She said between the first and second holes. And the golf pro replied: well I can tell you right now that your stance is too wide!

Kinky Friedman