The sub, which measures twelve inches from bow to stern, was unmanned at the time of capture. From photos leaked to the FBI from an unidentified source, the submarine has been identified as a BMT class sub on "honey oat."

"We thoroughly examined this weapon of democracy and oppression, and have carefully disassembled this device to see what capabilities it possesses," said North Korean military general Huang Chung. "From what we can tell, the sub, which was powered by a lethal combination of ham, Genoa salami, and roasted beef, would have inflicted massive casualties on the North Korean population had we not captured and defused this device in time."

American officials have refused to comment specifically on this matter, but confirm that this is part of an ongoing offensive known only as "Project Jared." In addition, a military spokesperson admits that they now expect the North Koreans to focus their efforts on capturing a "large Coke and a bag of chips" to display alongside of the shanghaied sub.